Regrets
by Kristine Thorne
Summary: This is a Bad Girls songfic. These are some of Yvonne's thoughts after ritchie's suicide.


Disclaimer: All Bad Girls characters belong to Shed Productions, not me.   
  
A/N: All the words in the asterisks are taken from One, by Alanis Morissette. These might have been some of Yvonne's thoughts after Ritchie's suicide.   
  
Regrets: a songfic from Yvonne to Ritchie.   
  
*I am the biggest hypocrite.*  
  
I always loved you, but I was never allowed to show it, at least not whilst your father was alive. But I sided with him when he threatened to nail you to the warehouse floor, because I thought he was right. I couldn't have made a bigger cock up of things if I'd tried. I upheld the Atkins name, even during my time here in Larkhall. I stood for everything Charlie believed in, yet I despised it all. The Atkins family values might have kept me clothed and well fed for the last few years, but they deprived me of my son. I acted like I loathed you, when all I wanted was to cradle you in my arms again. Yet even that was denied me.   
  
*I've been undeniably jealous.*  
  
When you told me that all you had left to live for was snowball, I hated her with all my being. Not only had she blasted your spine to bits, but she had successfully managed to take you away from me a second time. First Charlie had been the one to alienate you, then snowball fucking Merriman. It was for her you returned to this country, it was for her you smuggled a gun and explosives in to Larkhall. It was for her that you assisted in the killing of a girl barely as old as your sister. Then we come to the real kick in the teeth, you even died for her. You ended your life not for me, though I would never have asked that of you, but for a woman who should have by rights been on death row, not accompanying you towards any afterlife.   
  
*I have been loud and pretentious, I have been utterly threatened.*  
  
Since not long after I arrived here, I've been known as the loud mouth, the godmother of the wing. That was what your father taught me. He made me realise that no matter how much I feared a situation, I was always to give the impression of self-confidence and above all, control. It was drilled in to me to never ever reveal how I feel. But that always meant that I could rarely show you how much I loved you. Yes, I did used to call you my little angel, because that is what you were. You and Lauren were my reasons to live, the lights of my life, the sun and the moon in my sky. I might be loud and pretentious because sometimes it's necessary for survival. But utterly threatened is how I feel now. I don't know how to continue with life any more. In taking your own life, you have shown me more than ever that any love you claimed you felt for me was a sham. When you came to visit me, which was also the time you hooked up with Karen, you told me you loved me, yet it was all a lie. You've managed to completely pull the rug out from under my feet. I don't know what it's all supposed to mean any more. I feel more vulnerable than I've ever done in my life. But then that's probably how you felt when Charlie made his threats clear, so the way I feel now is probably nothing more than I deserve.   
  
*I have abused my so-called power, forgive me.*  
  
I knew Snowball had the gun. I don't know how she got it, being down the block all that time, but she had it all right. I could and should have grassed on her, but to my everlasting regret I didn't. So, I guess it was my fault that she was able to take Karen hostage and it was my fault that she was able to shoot you. If I'd told Karen that Snowball had the gun, and if she'd then been searched, you wouldn't now be lying in a morgue somewhere. You'd never have committed suicide if you'd still been able to walk. You no longer had anything to live for because I didn't stop her from shooting you. If I'd only abandoned my cast iron belief that grassing is the lowest form of behaviour, she wouldn't have escaped and she wouldn't have shot you. I don't know how you could ever forgive me for that. For the rest of my days I'll be internally punishing myself for what I've done to you, my little angel. Please forgive me for everything, Ritchie. Forgive me for not attempting to get the gun away from Snowball, forgive me for not preventing her from shooting you, and most of all, please forgive me for not being the mother you wanted me to be. You and Lauren were both my little angels, and I know I've only got one of my angels left. But please Ritchie, for all those times that you did love me, please forgive me. 


End file.
